(Your Guide to Life in a Nutshell)
Copyright 1996-2000. Bruce A. Epstein. All Rights Reserved.
Last Updated October 10, 2000
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"God is dead, thank God."
-- BAE 10/11/00
"You are insane and alone in your beliefs. At least now you can
-- BAE 04/13/98
"I bought $35 worth of aquarium fish with a cumulative weight/length that is a small fraction of a catfish you can get cooked to order for $10 in a Chinese restaurant"
-- BAE 01/20/98
"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphillis, in which case penicillin is your best bet."
-- BAE 01/12/98
"The worst part about being Bill Gates is not knowing if your hand is having sex with you just for the money."
-- BAE 11/30/97
"When Hell freezes over, will there be a really long wait for the chair lifts?"
-- BAE 11/30/97
"At 4 a.m., a Milky Way is a Three Musketeers bar."
(If they are "Musketeers" why do they fight with swords?)
-- BAE 11/23/97
"Remember when Swedish meatballs were all the rage?"
-- MFS 10/20/97
"This mind intentionally left blank."
-- BAE 09/17/97
"Honk if you read Braille."
-- BAE 09/16/97
"If you were agoraphobic, you'd be home now."
-- BAE 09/15/97
"To a new mother, every strange noise, even the squeak of a car's brakes, sounds like the wail of a child in distress."
-- BAE 09/14/97
"D'ya ever go to heat something in the microwave and only to realize you left something in there three days ago, like the dog?
-- BAE 08/28/97
"Real men don't use spell checkers."
-- BAE 08/06/97
"Money is a poor inheritance."
-- BAE 08/06/97
"All the productivity gains accrued by the use of computers over the past thirty years is dwarfed by the amount of time millions of people now spend saying 'double-you, double-you, double-you' each day."
-- BAE 08/05/97
"People ask me what its like living on the East Coast vs San Francisco. The most notable difference is the personal ads. In SF, what is listed as 'Men Seeking Men' or 'Women Seeking Women' is listed under 'Alternative Lifestyles' on the East Coast. In SF, 'Atlernative Lifestyle' ads usually involve a minimum of three mammals."
-- BAE 08/01/97
"The paradox of youth is that every teenager thinks they will either die young, live forever, or both. Most will die of some degenerative physical disease in their seventies."
-- BAE 07/29//97
"An optimist is someone who, when his child screams, 'Mine, mine, mine!', marvels that he/she has mastered possesive pronouns."
-- BAE 07/27/97
"I now know more people whom I have never met than ever before."
-- BAE 07/25/97
"If it's the 'Secret Service', how come we know about it?"
-- BAE 07/10/97
"You know you're a geek when you use QuickKeys macros for emoticons."
-- BAE 07/03/97
"If not replaced by another mythology soon, the insidious and pervasive belief that someone who has profited financially under the capitalist system is inherently more worthy and worthwhile than someone who has not, will destroy our society."
-- BAE 06/18/97
"Stop the WWW, I want to get off."
-- BAE 06/18/97
"Who's the genius who thought you could open a bandage by pulling on that useless red string while you're hemorrhaging all over the bathroom floor?"
-- BAE 06/15/97
"Useful Voice Recognition software is about two years away, where it will remain."
-- BAE 05/24/97
"Every book, even works of fiction, should contain an ASCII table."
-- BAE 04/30/97
"It seems more than a little coincidental that strip joints and churches both accept small cash donations."
-- BAE 04/13/97
"The same people who complain about the US Mail have also used it as an excuse for why the check is late or lost." See snail mail, and TCIITM. (E-mail won't replace snail mail until a method is developed whereby it will delay payment by a week.)
-- BAE 04/12/97
"Every time I'm in the shower I imagine a bunch of shampoo marketeers sitting around trying to figure out how to double shampoo consumption. 'hmmmm...Lather. Rinse.....hmmmm.....'. Eureka! 'Repeat'."
-- BAE 04/11/97
"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, and go to the store. Buy yourself a nice air conditioner, and some ice cream - you've earned it."
-- BAE 04/10/97
"How can a condom manufacturer put fewer condoms in a box and still sell them for the same price (and sell more boxes)? Just label them "Extra Large".
-- BAE 04/05/97
"I would describe my drawing style as 'Accidental Cubism'."
-- BAE 04/03/97
"If you want to make a web site, you've got to break some links."
-- BAE 03/27/97
"Toilet seats are no colder than any other, but they are just the only ones you sit bare-assed on."
-- BAE 03/20/96
"Please deposit 35 cents for an additional 5 minutes. 35 cents please."
-- BAE 03/19/97
"'Unanticipated health care costs' is the number one cause of personal bankruptcy in the US, although I don't know if they count paying insurance premiums in that statistic."
-- BAE 03/16/97
"The Rabbi doesn't ask whether there are any objections before uniting the Bride and Groom in a Jewish wedding. The families have long since offered their opinions without waiting for any such invitation."
-- BAE 03/14/97
"I don't want to say she's a geek, but I've seen chickens cross the road to avoid her."
-- BAE 3/13/97
"Everyone signs their new credit cards nicely and neatly on the back. They should sign it the way they do in the checkout line, with two kids hanging around their necks screaming for candy, so the signatures will match when they use it."
-- BAE 03/10/97
"Why should I perform a backup? Then I'd have two copies of all this crap!"
-- BAE 01/27/97
"Justify your feelings of moral superiority - register your shareware today."
-- BAE 12/10/96
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