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Bruce's Amoosement Center

Billy G. is Not My Lover

Copyright 1996-1998. Bruce A. Epstein. All Rights Reserved.

Last Updated June 1, 1998

This is not a collective or edited work. I made all these up myself. If you have the inclination to forward this to someone, please give them the URL instead. If you illegally pilfer this material, at least have the decency to include my copyright notice, and tell people where you got it (

Let's get to the jokes first, but if you can't wait, here are a bunch of books about or related to Bill Gates.


June 1, 1998:

"Bill Gates is so powerful that Microsoft has just declared itself a nuclear state."

"Despite earlier reports Pakistan and India are not engaging in a nuclear arms race, but rather trying to deter Microsoft from shipping Windows 98 to the sub-continent."

February 16, 1998:

"Bill Gates is so rich, he has his own Pope."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom."

"Bill Gates is so rich that he Fed Ex's his Christmas cards."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he has someone to peel those stringy things off his bananas."

"Bill Gates is so rich, that he could buy five Larry Ellisons, and still have money left over for a Ross Perot."

"Bill Gates is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he's even suspicious of his dog's affection."

"Bill Gates is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send someone out to get more."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1,000 bills, and it wouldn't measurably affect the value of his house."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver."

"Bill Gates is so rich, his wife doesn't bother asking him to take out the trash."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, 'Boy.'"

"Bill Gates is so rich, he can pick his friends' noses and then pay for the rhinoplasty to fix it."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he's afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up."

"Bill Gates is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he'd still be wealthier than anyone you know."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno's affection."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of 'Titanic' recreated live for his birthday."

"Bill Gates is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could afford Oprah as his personal trainer."

"Bill Gates has $100 million for every pound Oprah has ever lost dieting."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn't matter if no one paid to see him."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don't mean a toy train."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he could buy the press's silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade."

Nov 30, 1997:

"The worst part about being Bill Gates is not knowing if your hand is having sex with you just for the money."

"Assuming an income of $10 billion per year, Bill Gates' net worth increases $9,512.94 each time he masturbates."

"Bill Gates is soooo rich that when he sits around the house, it is a $50 million house he is sitting around."

"Bill Gates makes more money while taking a crap than we do using the shit he puts out."

"I understand that Apple's new marketing plan is keeping Bill Gates awake at night. Who can sleep when they're laughing?"

"Bill Gates threatened Janet Reno the other day. If she doesn't stop fining him a million dollars a day, he'll stop paying taxes on the other $27,297,260.27."

"Bill Gates is so rich that the other day Robert Redford offered to sleep with him."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he can afford to eat just the green M&Ms and throw out the rest."

"Bill Gates is so rich, that unless he can recyle 38,051.75 cans per second, he's better off throwing them out."

"Bill Gates is so rich, that they're cancelling the saying, 'You can never be too rich or too thin,' and not because of his anorexia."

"Bill Gates has $76,000,000 for each time your father said, "If I only had a nickel....""

"If I only had a nickel every time Windows crashes....I'd be Bill Gates."

"You know that they say, 'If you can't say something nice about someone, buy his shitty software and make him the richest man in the history of the world.'"

"Bill Gates is so rich that cheesecake has been officially renamed 'Gatescake'."

"Bill Gates is so rich that he makes $95,129.38 while getting a manicure, less the tip of course."

"Bill Gates has more dollars than sperm."

"It's official, Bill Gates has trademarked 'gazillionaire'."

"Bill Gates is so rich, his Air Nike's have the real Michael Jordan on them."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he has live jockeys on his lawn."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he no longer has to be insecure in his manhood."

"Bill Gates is worth 42,792.8 times his weight in gold, but only because gold is at a twelve-year low."

"If Bill Gates were twelve, his bodyguards would flip his baseball cards."

"Steve Ballmer is the richest man that most people have never heard of."

"Bill Gates will be the Newt Gingrich of 2008."

"Bill Gates' wife knew it was a bad sign when she heard his dog was named 'pre-nupt'."

"Bill Gates' wife has to spend $104,109,589 a day on QVC for Bill to say, 'You're spending it as fast as I bring it in.'"

"At Bill Gates' house, money really does grow on trees. And he has a staff of arborists with MBAs to count it."

"Bill Gates serves a useful purpose if only as a thorn in Larry Ellison's side."

"Imagine how paranoid Ross Perot would be if he were worth as much as Bill Gates."

Most Likely Phrases Be Heard Around the Gates Household:

  1. "Someone tell the damn staff it is 'Master Gates', not 'Bates'!"
  2. "It's Warren Buffet. He wants to know if you'll go halfsies on the Korean Peninsula."
  3. "The Pope says he'll canonize you if he can get some freakin' tech support."
  4. "Who says you have to be dead to be put on a US Postage Stamp?"
  5. "How much do you think it will cost to rename the 'Pearly Gates' to the 'Bill Gates'?"
  6. "Now I know why you named the company 'Micro-soft'."

Least Likely Phrases to Be Heard Around the Gates Household:

  1. "I'm not made of money, you know."
  2. "I'd love you even if you were poor."
  3. "Bill, I really wish you'd stop hogging the shower."

"What is the chance that Bill G. has a taping system like the Nixon Whitehouse?"

"If these walls could talk, you're probably in Bill G.'s $50 million house's high-tech living room."

"It's not his money, it's the way it hasn't affected his personal hygiene habits that impresses me."

"The only thing worse than people believing Bill Gates, is Bill Gates believing Bill Gates."

"You can't fool all of the people all of the time, unless you have a monopoly on the information access of an entire segment of society."

"It's official. Bill Gates has sued Parker Bros. over the use of the trademark 'Monopoly'."

"If Microsoft isn't a monopoly, then why do all the employees live in little red and green plastic motels and hotels, and why are the five dollar bills pink?"

"Is it just me, or does 'Wintel' sound like a glass cleaner?"

Q: How can you tell Bill Gates doesn't speak Spanish?
A: Ventana hasn't changed it's name to Guillermo Publishing

"'Benefactor', I'll grant you. 'Philanthropist'? I don't think so."

"The Road Ahead is paved to Hell."

"Bill Gates' entire net worth wouldn't fund the Federal Goverment for a month."

"It official. Avogadro's number has been renamed 'The Gates'."

"Bill G. is apparently suing Hades over their new slogan, 'Where do you want to suffer until the end of all eternity?'"

"Bill G. apparently has a temporary restraining order against Hades, who had neglected to trademark the name, 'Gates of Hell'."

"How do you figure Bill G. got Satan to sign an NDA?"

"All work and no play makes Bill Gates a very dull boy."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he has an electric hand dryer in his bathroom."

"Bill Gates is so rich, he only has to use a teabag once."

"I understand the Mormons are trying to recruit Bill Gates. Apparently it has nothing to do with tithing."

"Prediction: The new millenium will see an epic battle between Microsoft and
the Church of Scientology. John Travolta and Tom Cruise will be named
Executive Vice Presidents responsible for Mindshare."

"It's official. Billy G. is suing the Carl Sagan estate over use of the phrase, 'Billions and Billions'."

"Do you think Billy G. hired a professional indexer for his book, or did it all by himself?"

If you made it this far, here are a bunch of books about or related to Bill Gates.


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